(The ACTOR stands facing the audience.)

Before we begin, I’ve been asked to make a brief statement on behalf of the company, the artistic director and the management of this theatre.

Dear Audience,

You are hereby advised

That the following performance

And the text it is based on

Contain absolutely nothing

That reflects any opinion

Expresses any sentiment

Records any observation

Of anything

Going on anywhere

In your city

In your country

Or in the world.

(STAGEHAND brings ACTOR a chair.

ACTOR sits naturally, without acknowledging STAGEHAND.)

You may relax

Safe in the knowledge

That nothing we do or say

Will in any way

Confront you

Challenge you

Stimulate you

Affect you

Offend you

Make you think

Make you see

Make you aware

Of anything you’ve come here tonight

To avoid

To escape

To ignore

To forget

To deny.

                (During the following, the STAGEHAND proceeds

                to tie ACTOR to the chair, methodically: legs,

                arms, torso.  The ACTOR puts up no resistance,

                does not acknowledge the STAGEHAND, and keeps

                speaking naturally.)

Dear audience,

In consultation

With friends

Colleagues

Cultural and civic leaders

Lawyers

And selected focus groups,

We have carefully

And with the utmost concern

For your comfort and well being

Removed all traces of content

That could in any way be taken

As even potentially offensive

To any person

Or group of persons

Of any gender

Race

Religion

Political persuasion

Sexual orientation

Geographical area

Or demographic.

We have carefully excised anything

That might raise anyone’s hackles

Rub anyone the wrong way

Make anyone shift in their seat

Make anyone examine

With anything other than a clear conscience

Their investments

Their voting habits

Their magazine subscriptions

Their prejudices

Of which

We hasten to add

You have none.

Dear audience,

We will not provoke you

We will not antagonize you

We will not discomfort you

We will not endanger your happiness

By reminding you of anyone

Whose happiness

Whose comfort

Whose lives

Have been destroyed

That yours might better thrive.

There are no such people

And if there were

We would not portray them

Or even mention them

In any context

That would so much as suggest

That their problems,

If they had any,

Had anything whatsoever

To do with you

With us

Or with anybody.

They don’t.

That is, they wouldn’t.

Dear audience,

The characters we play

The situations we portray

The actions we perform

The images we evoke

Have one reality

And one reality only

And that is stage reality.

In no way, shape or form

Are they to be taken as standing for

Symbolizing

Referring to

Recalling

Being analogous to

Or even faintly resembling

Anything offstage.

If, however, dear audience,

You should find yourself,

Nonetheless,

Starting to become dimly aware

Of some faint reminder

Of something you would rather not

Be reminded of,

Rest assured, dear audience,

It’s just a coincidence,

Completely unintentional.

Nevertheless,

If this should happen,

We invite you to complain

To the company

To the artistic director

And to the management of this theatre

And to denounce us all

In the most unsparing terms

As your victimizers,

As the perpetrators

Of an assault

Upon your sovereign right

Not to be offended.

Call us to account

And we will redouble our efforts

To see that it never happens again.

(The STAGEHAND has by now finished tying the ACTOR

and stands by, waiting.)

Now, on with the show.

(The STAGEHAND places a hood over the ACTOR’s head.

The STAGEHAND exits.

The ACTOR sits absolutely still.

Full minute before abrupt blackout.)