GEORGE and CLARENCE seated on a couch.  GEORGE with remote control.

GEORGE

Say, who are you, little fella?

CLARENCE

I’m your guardian angel.

GEORGE

What are you doing next to me on the couch?

CLARENCE

I was sent here, George.  I was sent here to help you.

GEORGE

I’ll bet you’re trying to earn your wings.

CLARENCE

You got it, George.

GEORGE

I gotta cut out the plum brandy.

CLARENCE

You need help, George. They noticed up there, and they sent me.

GEORGE

Thanks, little fella, but really, I’m okay.

CLARENCE

You’ve had a bad year.

GEORGE

Yeah, old man Potter moved the factory to Malaysia. Bank foreclosed on the house. Mary left and took the kids. But I've adjusted. Don't worry about me.

CLARENCE

It’s something else, George.  It's your lack of Christmas spirit.

GEORGE

Oh, that.

CLARENCE

These things are taken very seriously up in Heaven.

GEORGE

Can you blame me if I'm not in the mood?

CLARENCE

This is the time of the year when you’re supposed to forget all your troubles.

GEORGE

It’s not my troubles. It's all the kitsch. Fake aerosol snow everywhere.  And plastic mistletoe. Holiday muzak when you're put on hold. Even that I could bear. What gets me is…

CLARENCE

Yes?

GEORGE

This movie. Night after night. Daytime too. Every channel. Nothing else on. Look. It's just ending on Fox, it's starting on PBS. Movie Channel's up to the part where he. drives his car into the tree.  TNT’s showing the colorized version. Over and over again. The voices in my ears, even when I sleep. “I wish I had a. million dollars!” “Merry Christmas, you sorry old Building and Loan!”  “Hee-haw!”  “Buffalo gals, won’t you come out tonight...”  “Every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings.”

CLARENCE

It’s true.

GEORGE

Then it’s the only thing that is.  My creditors don’t come marching in to the tune of "Auld Lang Syne" to drop money in my hat. My wife and kids didn’t pray for me, they hit the road. Guardian angels don't drop out of the sky to change my attitude.

CLARENCE

But I did.

GEORGE

You’re just the result of my drinking and seeing this movie too many times.  I wouldn’t mind if it had never been made.

CLARENCE

What’s that you say?

GEORGE

I said I wish this movie had never been made!

CLARENCE

Now, there’s an idea.  Hmm. What do you guys think, up there?  Is it possible?  It is? All right, then.  Done.

GEORGE

Hey.  What’s with the TV?  Suddenly it’s Pat Robertson in Bethlehem.  Where did the movie go?

CLARENCE

What movie?

GEORGE

The movie we were just watching.

CLARENCE

I don’t remember us watching a movie.

GEORGE

George was about to jump off the bridge into rapids and the little guy was about to suddenly show up and jump in ahead of him...

CLARENCE

There’s no movie where that happens.

GEORGE

Of course there is!  It was made in 1946, just after the war, and it wasn’t popular until it was shown on TV.  Jimmy Stewart’s in it.

CLARENCE

Jimmy Stewart? His career was cut short when he was shot down over the Pacific in the Big One.

GEORGE

What about Donna Reed?

CLARENCE

That name rings a bell.  Yes.  I think she was a popular stripper.

GEORGE

A stripper?  She was everybody’s favorite mom!

CLARENCE

She never played a mother on TV because she’d never had that kind of role in the movies.

GEORGE

What are you talking about? Look, it was directed by Frank Capra, he was an immigrant from Sicily...

CLARENCE

He stayed in Sicily and became a judge. His car was blown up by the Mafia.

GEORGE

What’s this? It’s not anywhere! I’m surfing all the channels and I can’t find it!

CLARENCE

That’s because it was never made, George.

GEORGE

Hey, little guy,  I think I’m starting to go crazy.

CLARENCE

You’re not crazy. I’ve given you a precious gift. A vision of holiday season television without "It’s A Wonderful Life.” Not very pretty, is it, George?

GEORGE

It’s worse than I could've imagined.  “A Garfield Christmas in Waikiki.”  “Christmas with Beavis and Butthead.”  “A Barry Manilow Christmas Carol.”  Help me, little guy, whoever you are!  I’ve seen enough!

CLARENCE

See, George?  Even though you’ve seen it three thousand times and you're sick of it, it really is a wonderful motion picture. At least compared with everything else that’s on.

GEORGE

I wanna go back! I wanna watch "It’s A Wonderful Life" again!  Anything’s better than this!

CLARENCE

As you wish.

GEORGE

Hallelujah! It's back! Merry Christmas, Main Street, Bedford Falls! Merry Christmas, you ragtag bunch of character actors!  Merry Christmas, Norman Rockwell values and mildly anti-capitalist polemics! Merry Christmas, George Bailey!

CLARENCE

How about it up there? Do I get my wings?

VOICE (off)

On one condition, Clarence. Get rid of the colorized version once and for all.

CLARENCE

Done.

(The doorbell rings.  Wings suddenly unfurl from Clarence’s back.)

GEORGE

Hey, those are nice.

CLARENCE

Thanks.  Why don’t you get the door.

GEORGE

Oh, yeah.

(He opens the door.)

I can’t believe it! Here they all are! Mary! Kids! All my family and friends!  Even old Mr. Potter!  Come on in, everybody! You’re just in time for the end of the movie!

(He and CLARENCE sing "Auld Lang Syne.” The audience is mercilessly cajoled to join in.)